Yeah, of all the mad shit I've seen, or even done myself, while drunk in front of colleagues, this sounds about a 3/10 in terms of how much of a drunken disaster it was. It will be pretty much forgotten by the end of the week.

Great projection!

Yeah some of us have a lot better control of the symptoms and can remain relatively functional. Others are unfortunately way worse off so every time I get this way I have to force myself to remember I'm still quite lucky in the long run I suppose.

It's a struggle though, sometimes feels like I'm constantly fighting an uphill battle. Like I want to get through classes but my brain is starting to struggle to keep up with the advanced content. I'm 30 but it's just so tough sometimes to focus on the material and push myself to keep going.

Have actually been out if college for a whole year at this point and am kind of scared to go back. I want to achieve more but my push and desire to accomplish stuff has just been diminishing lately. Hopefully next semester I can get back on and go. I also just think my younger brothers passing just hit me a lot harder than I thought. He always wanted more and more and it was inspiring to watch but turns out he was struggling with his own demons and addiction got the better of him.

The first step would be to cut the booze out of your life because that is literally fuel on the fire when it comes to depression. Step two is to try and figure out when the depression started to set in and ask yourself what about you and your life changed during that time. To give you a personal example, my depression started when I went broke trying to go to school and ended up in debt after not completing school made me feel like a failure twice over plus compounded by the fact I worked a minimum wage job that was stressful and barely covered my bills. I ended up spending money I couldn't afford to, so I could escape the existence of feeling like a failure but in the end, I always had to wake up to the reality of feeling like a failure just more broke than I was the day before. Step three is definitely therapy and learning your worth through self-love and healing the toxic mindset that you are lacking because you don't measure up to some unrealistic societal pressure that was never your responsibility to meet, whether that be in love, career, or health. So learn to manage your expectations for yourself so that you can better manage the expectations that other people will inevitably try to force upon you. Best wishes on being the person you want to be not the one you're expected to be.

I’m sorry you have to deal with that. My mom suffers from schizophrenia and got 51/50 at work from similar experiences. You guys deal with so much that people could never understand. Sometimes I can forget what my mom has because she deals with it so well.

Also sorry I kinda edited my post a couple times because well honestly it kind of helped me work out some of my own hesitation

If it makes you feel any better yesterday I went home early yesterday because I had a panic attack at work and broke down crying in front of the store manager and my team leader.

I suffer from schizophrenia and rely on auditory aides like music and audio books to remain calm in stressful situations. On Friday they told me I could no longer listen to music. Saturday rolls around and it's just me, the department and a fuck ton of customers stressing me out.

Every day I listen to auditory hallucinations telling me to kill myself. Normally I can ignore it with help from music or audio books but without them in an environment surrounded by people I don't know the hallucinations get really loud and start to sound like those around me and it's honestly terrifying.

I really don't want to go back in on my next shift on Tuesday because I feel like some sort of freakshow after someone sees me at an all time low.

Life can suck, we all struggle with something I feel. Some of us are just better at hiding it than others. I know in truth I think if you can find yourself surrounded by people who will listen to you talk about your dark times and don't judge you for it then you've found good people. I think I've found myself with some good people like that and I know I need to trust them to not judge me, it's just hard. I hope you can think you've found those good people too.

If you go in on Monday let me know, cuz honestly I'll go in on Tuesday too. Brothers in arms if you will. We have to try and get up when we stumble right?

You shared an evening of honesty and vulnerability with the people who you trust and spend most of your day with. That's not something to be ashamed of, or to dread.

Having been in a depressive and suicidal place before, I can understand the guilt and shame you might feel for having voiced those thoughts with people. I really can. Those feelings are put on you by your own mind though, not by the people around you. No one wants you to feel ashamed of this.

Now, being in a better place, I can say with complete confidence that if anyone I knew (be them a friend, a colleague or even an acquaintance) shared similar notions or thoughts with me i would not respond negatively. I would take the opportunity to be more supportive and friendly with them. Sharing is a huge deal, and you might have done it drunk but I'm still proud of you because it takes guts to tell people where you're at.

Anyone who treats you differently does so because they don't know how to act or respond. Not because they dislike you, or think you're dramatic or attention seeking. Everyone knows someone who lost their fight, your colleagues uncle, a friend, a family member. It's common, and likely this is not anyone's first 'exposure' to depression and suicide.

You have a great opportunity now to get some support and help through work. You can, and should apologize for drinking excessively, potentially making people uncomfortable or taking them off guard. But that's not apologizing for how you have been feeling, or for sharing. You've done a thing just as brave as stepping into the train.

Your work may have access to employee counselling they can hook you up with. Which you should use. You don't need to broach the subject with your colleagues if you are not comfortable. They will likely let it lie, leaving you to take the lead on continued or ceased dialogue. And that is not pretending that you never said anything, that is a kindness of letting you process and/or guide any more conversation.

You don't need to broach it if you don't want to. You can maintain your relationships as they are now, unchanged, if that is what you want and need.

OP, I hope you are okay. Feel free to PM me if you want to :)

I've decided it's too tough of a conversation to have with a barely-know, super casual hookup so I'm gonna let it go 👍

Well, in that case I'd say he probably found out when he got home. You probably should have told him and just said you didn't want to have a conversation about it but he should know. You could mention you have a gay friend( me) who butt-douches before sex even when topping to avoid discomfort or... exactly this.

unfortunately seems like it, some would even call it gay to care about their behind 😭

he was actually well groomed at the front 😭 now that I think of it a smell did hit my nose at first but I put it down to just body odour/nervous sweats.

I think my disinterest showed while I was contemplating what to do haha, we haven't texted in a while. Easy solution!

yuck 🤢 I'm glad you got rid of them!

nope, I don't think he knew. he just sat on my bed until he got dressed.

here's my poor man's award 🏅

I don't think he realised it happened, it wasn't a lot. A good wipe could've prevented it but yeah, I don't want to have that conversation 😬

done 👏 I realised no amount of cuteness justified the "hey... you left a shitstain on my sheets" conversation

really doubt that haha but I'll take it as a win

he was actually well groomed at the front, I suppose he doesn't do the same for the back :(

This reminds me of the time a handful of years ago, I (jokingly?) told my entire team at work that I needed to high priority get an ezpass for the tolls on the thruway because, I "was tired of having to stop sobbing and pull myself together everytime I came up on the toll worker on my way home." They all looked a touch horrified. Didn't even have the excuse of being drunk. Noone acted any different towards me the next day. My dark-somewhat-accurate slip kinda put in real world perspective shit was not ok, internally. I hope things start turning upwards for you, that you aren't carrying these heavy feelings around much longer. Long and happy life, friend

Yup, that's a proper fu. If I'm your coworker, I'm not positive you'll be there the next day. Or the next. My brother took a train exit. Traumatized a first time engineer, because a lot of people take the train exit, but it was his first run. Pieces of my brother were scattered for quite a way along the track.

If you're actively suicidal, I hope you look into whatever seems like it could help for you. There are things in life worth sticking around for.

If something needs said, something like, "Yeah, sometimes I get sad, and one of my coping mechanisms is dark humor. Don't worry, if I don't show up to work, it'll be because I got a better job that pays more, har har."

Sounds like you found people you trust enough to get that weight off your shoulders. Hopefully they don't turn it against you. Only advice I can give is if you haven't already, THOROUGHLY apologize even if they say it's okay or not a big deal. What you said might have cut deep. Let them know you didn't mean to undermine that pain.

Did you f up though, or did you finally say out loud the thing you've been trying to hide, and now you might be able to get some help for?

You will be okay.