Wait I'm sorry, did you say they're charging you rent? Your mother, sure, they can make her pay rent, but I'm pretty sure you can't charge a minor rent

edit: turns out it depends on the state, if you have the means to contribute they can charge rent... Though not all states.

At this point they’re getting obvious. Shame.

Then OP needs to make that clear. OP has written that grandparents are her legal guardians. She has also written that mom has legal custody. It also sounds like mom is still in rehab, so at this point, I think OP is on her own. But legal guardian or not, I’m not mad at grandparents looking for looking for their grandchild who does not come home after work on a dark and rainy night.

this is actually a lot better than how i put it, it’s almost 100% accurate. however i think my mom was required to sign for their temporary guardianship at that point

Uh. This is 100% on you, and the primary problem here is that you didn't communicate very well at all. You live with your grandparents who are, at least until you turn 18, still primarily responsible for things like making sure you aren't dead or missing because they're your legal guardians. Your mom's permission doesn't mean shit in this instance, except inasmuch as your legal guardians might defer to her, which it sounds like they do when they're actually aware.

You needed to tell them you wouldn't be coming home that night or of course they might think you're missing.

It doesn't sound like this was some weird attempt to harass you or punish you, based on how many friends and people you know they involved. It sounds like they, with pretty good reason, genuinely thought you were missing.

They might be inept and frustratingly bad at parenting a 17 year old, but it also sounds like you have some people who genuinely give a shit whether you live or die looking out for you. That isn't always a given!

Your mom has been in and out of rehab. Obviously if she goes out for extended periods of time they're probably pretty fucking worried she might start using again. Literally six months ago she was out of rehab!

This is a situation where, if you're lucky, you will have a very different perspective on this in like 10 years.

Not respecting boundaries is not some god given right by parents or grandparents, it is shitty and immature.

[deleted]

sorry, i had to find the correct terms, i wasn’t super involved in the proceedings of all this but i think i can clear it up now. my grandparents had a temporary custody type deal that timed out maybe after 6 months of my mom’s rehab and is no longer in place, making my mom my legal guardian again since she’s my natural parent. kind of like the “do you have a parent or guardian i can talk to?” deal they always asked in school. however they still exert that kind of control over me. i’m sorry, the way i said it was definitely confusing.

Key difference. OP sees it coming. And they will be dead soon.

In the first set of edits, OP says her grandparents are her legal guardians. Later she says her mother has legal custody. I’m not sure what to believe. For God’s sake, read the original post before commenting incorrect information.

Sounds like mom went to rehab and she stayed with her parents as OP's de facto legal guardian (not court ordered), if mom is 6-8 mo sober and a court hasn't given grandparents legal guardianship, they don't have any rights to report OP missing without contacting OP'S LEGAL GUARDIAN, her mom.

No, her mother has legal custody of OP. For God's sake read the post before commenting incorrect information. TIFU by spending the night at my boyfriend’s

>EDIT #2: one more time to say that although my grandparents are filed as legal guardians as my mom is still working through her rehab, MY MOTHER HAS LEGAL CUSTODY OVER ME. what my mom said should have been enough. she is not damaged goods because she is battling herself, im so proud of her for being clean for so long now and i love her. my grandparents have done things like this to everyone in my family and that is why none of my siblings are here anymore.

So you are trying to change who she is and on top of that you force things to her and also threat with break-up?

Yeah, you're truly magnificent

How does that work? Your grandparents are your legal guardians but your mother has custody? I’m confused.

But even if your mom has legal custody, you are living with your grandparents. They should be told that you are going to be out overnight. Even if they disagree with the decision, tell them so they aren’t calling around town looking for you.

That is certainly a possibility but that’s not indicated. All we know is that she didn’t come home after work on a dark and rainy night. The grandparents, even if the shittiest grandparents ever, called around looking for her. When they didn’t find her, they called the police. I am still not understanding the problem here. OP even admits that they don’t do this to her often. They do monitor their drug-addicted daughter a lot more. Because she is an addict who is living with them. Should they just not care what their daughter and grand daughter are doing or where they are?

my mom did not have custody of me ever taken away through this. by all regards she is the one legally responsible for me. my grandparents are registered guardians vs my mom being my natural guardian. whatever my mom said should have been enough for them, but it never is. i never claimed they were abusive, that’s mostly been other people in this comment section, but this post was mostly a vent for my frustrations and it got a little larger than i intended it to be.

Sounds like she needs a decent human being, please dismiss yourself

Your mother's adopted parents continue to exercise control over her adult life and have displayed that they intend to do the same to you?

Look, OP, I don't say this kind of thing often, but when you turn 18, I think you need to get the fuck out of there.

Her grandparents have custody of her. Not her mom. Her mom is a recovering addict. Courts don’t strip away custody on a whim.

My mum did this sort of thing until my early 30s, and tbh the reason she stopped doing it is because she passed away. I wish I could say I put down boundaries but it never worked.

An example that sticks out is - I get home from work exhausted. Have a nap on the sofa that lasts longer than planned cause I was so tired. Get woken up by my annoyed lodger because my mum is ringing him asking where I am. They swapped numbers for EMERGENCIES ONLY (eg if anything went wrong with the house and I, his landlady, was unreachable). He was like, I'm not your secretary lol.

She claimed it was an emergency. What, because a 30 yo woman didn't answer her phone for 4 hours on a weeknight?

i wish we could treat each other better. but thank you.

unfortunately they say they’re doing to keep doing it after i turn 18, after i already threatened no-contact if they continue after that point. they would do the same thing to my mom when she was in her mid 20’s and working two jobs in a city two hours away. it got her fired because they kept calling her workplaces every day. at one point they got it into their heads that she “ran off to mexico”, and worse things ensued after that.

Thanks for a little more context. Not sure what your grandparents have done and without specifics, I’m going to say you are still a minor. They are taking care of you and your substance abusing mother. She hasn’t touched anything for 6-8 months? That’s good and I hope she continues her sobriety. But your grandparents have dealt with her drug abuse for a long time and that isn’t easy. I hope all of you treat each other a little better.

Did you have this conversation about your boyfriend with your grandparents? The folks who are legally responsible for you? Courts don’t take away custody on a whim. Your mom wasn’t doing well there for a while. Probably a long while. Not saying your grandparents are saints but nothing you’ve written indicates them looking for you when you don’t come home overnight is abusive.

Edit: a whole new paragraph

Which is probably going to force a cycle. They don’t understand how to properly handle things.

Just wait till you see what dementia will do.