What do you gain from being in this relationship?

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This post is insane you made all this drama over a tip! A tip is supposed to relate to how well the servers performed. Not a statutory right because American restaurants are owned by arseholes who don’t pay the staff for the work they do! You are ungrateful and instead of enjoying what he did you made it a poor atmosphere by bitching you are entitled as he should find 20% to tip clearly you are loud about him but not forward in doing it yourself!

I know I can get irrational and messy, im only a person. I still have growing to do, and I shouldn’t have acted prematurely. So some portion of blame is definitely on me. But can I forgive her? Is it a bad idea if I do? Or can only I answer that?

Yeah it's wild

She says I got mad with the way she wanted to handle the situation (I did, I hung up on her when she told me and came back when she told me about how she felt safer this way) and that she only kept him so she could explain the situation when she was ready. She said she lied to protect herself and later acknowledged it was a mistake and that she wants me to be able to trust her. I don’t know what to do.

Wait till you hear about the fact that now most sit down places already have gratuity included in the final bill and still leave a place for you to include tip.

You really need to get to the bottom of the "why", and while you're young and still have the rest of your life ahead of you this would be a great thing for you to learn to control. Therapy to learn these tools is great, but here's an idea to maybe give you direction. If you don't know where you're going you won't know when you get there.

My mother has a borderline personality disorder, which among other things includes what I've heard referred to as "adult temper tantrums". She'd have one of these temper tantrums when she was angry, when she didn't get her way, or when she hurt herself. Like if she'd stub her toe (mild ouchie) she would get VERY angry, scary angry- she'd shout every swear word she could think of, stomp her feet, possibly break things or hurt me out of sheer anger.

I grew up and was in my mid 20's before I realized that was not normal, or ideal to emulate. My reactions were much milder and really only related to pain- like a 5/10 whereas my mom was a 10/10- but a few people including a colleague gently mentioned that it seemed like an overreaction, and the danger was that in a chemical environment (chemical plant) it could be perceived as a larger emergency. It also wasn't attractive. Ooh, that hit me, and I started to think about why I was like that and my mother came to mind. So I started keeping an eye out for a better reaction to emulate, and settled on The Family Guy method of dealing with an ouchie: the long, slow, drawn out series of "owwwwwww" and "ooooooooh".

If you can imagine how hard it is to control yourself in general- imagine dealing with pain stimulus, and having to learn how to control your outward reaction... it was a very conscious effort of change, and it wasn't easy- but I am proud of my improved reaction which is much more reasonable. You may have a mental illness that somewhat prevents you from being in control (borderline personality disorder?), or you don't know the tools to control your outward reaction.

You'll need to:

• Be aware of your emotions at all times. Do frequent "check ins" on how you feel.
• Your mouth may be reacting quicker then your brain- give yourself time. Focus on breathing, give yourself at least one good breath in/out before you react to be sure you're landing on the appropriate reaction.
• Imagine a wheel like in Jeopardy, but with emotions- instead of you taking the time to become aware of how you truly feel, are you relying on "spinning the wheel" and exhibiting whichever emotion comes up?
• Once you become aware of your actual feelings and can pause your irrational anger to "check in"- then it's time to familiarize yourself with how to bring your feelings up to a higher/more desirable level. Check out the Emotional Guidance Scale by Abraham Hicks, it's a 1-22 scale where #1 is Joy/Appreciation / Love, and #22 is Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair. If you're feeling angry (#17) you can't get to #1 by snapping your fingers- you can however nudge yourself gradually up the scale to #11 overwhelmed, then up to #7 contentment (for example).

If you can't control yourself- no one else stands a chance of doing it either. I hope these tips help!

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He struggles with being the offensive at all times. It doesn’t matter what to issue is. It could be the smallest thing. If I bring it up, he is immediately upset and withdrawn.

I don’t want to make him do thing he doesn’t want to do. But it feels like he has no problem forcing me into such a hard situation

Yea, you are.

This night was a night he was trying to make special and do something extremely nice for you and it seems like you just picked a fight on purpose at this point.

Did he cuss out the waiter? Did he make inappropriate comments about the waiter? Did he act like an ass to the service staff?

If the answer is No . Then why did you start a fight?

Because he tipped 10% ?

As someone who waitressed, bartended, and was a barista, 10% is a lot from a 19 year old. Also, if the restaurant was upscale or pricy, they probably included gratuity in the final bill aside from what you left for tip.

This was not the time or place to pick a bone over how much he tipped.

Well actually, what do you think? Do you think that it was worth ruining the end of the experience over a servers wage that has nothing to do with you?

Tipping culture HAS gotten out of hand. Its not up to the person dinning to make sure the server has a livable wage. Pressuring people to keep tipping is honestly whats going to keep these restaurants from paying them better.

Eta: for the future, i would of brought this up at a different time honestly. I get why youre irked at the 10% but saying people shouldnt eat out if they cant afford to tip is pretty messed up.

You're welcome. I've been with a Korean American woman for 6+ years and it's been a very important part of our relationship to understand the cultural differences, what she finds offensive and being aware of how she is reacting to something. Thankfully she is really open about it and isn't so wrapped up in it that she lets it ruin relationships.

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My advice to u is to sit down and have a real convo with him. Don't try to talk to him when he's upset and needs space, cuz that'll just make things worse. Wait until he's calm and then talk to him about how u feel and what u want. Make sure he knows that u appreciate the things he did for u, but also make sure he knows that u don't want to argue about the tip every time. If he can't afford to leave 20%, that's cool. But if it's a big issue for u, then u gotta let him know.

Just be honest with him and communicate. And try to have a good time on ur bday, cuz that's what it's all about. Good luck bro!

Wanting revenge is giving this person too much power over you

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Seriously? You don’t even like her. A lot of people are pretty and can cook. Plus. Stellar remark about her thriving career.

A real man pays the bill, including at least 20% tip, when he takes his girlfriend out for her birthday.

and i was 19 the day before yesterday. i love that he wanted to do something special but it was never expected or asked. i definitely agree i should have handled it better, but i just felt bad for the waitress, especially having worked as one myself

I think there are a bunch of kids posting in this thread to screw around.

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i don’t even care if he is cheap with me, i told him we didnt have to do anything for my birthday. all i cared about was that he left a standard tip, which i think is 20%

Do you think it’s a bad idea to take a year? I do feel nervous about the long-term implications. I love travelling but feel like there are better ways to go about it. As someone who puts career first, is this something you would do?