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American tipping culture is insane

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Nonsense.

When I was young I went out less often and to less expensive places. I most certainly didn't decide I could rob my server because I wanted to live high on the hog and then stiff the waiter or leave a paltry tip.

Also, it is quite obvious that this boyfriend wanted to take her out. This is not about her not paying the tip. I guarantee this boy would have a full blown tantrum at the dinner table if she tried to pay the tip.

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I would dump her. If she wants to act like a child, she will be treated like a child. And I don't date children.

Sure why not, apologize today

I would not be able to tolerate that choice. However, you already know that he does not tip, so I am not sure why you thought it made sense to agree to go to a restaurant. Mentioning the issue at the table as the check is being paid is very confrontational and did not result with the server being properly compensated.

Your boyfriend's thought process is illogical. His decision to purchase birthday decorations for a twenty year old woman has nothing to do with the basic social contract of tipping 20% for adequate service. That is how restaurants work. His assessment of what the server had to do has zero impact on how tipping works. He is wrong and his error reveals that he is childish, self-involved, and not able to think clearly.

But he is your boyfriend and you decided to go to dinner with him.

If you continue dine out with him, you need to surreptitiously leave a full 20% tip so that the server always gets at least that. Bring cash and leave it on the table just as you are leaving or hand it to your server privately while you pretend to use the ladies' room.

Ok great but hes still 19. He wanted to do something special for you on your birthday with what he could afford. I get your worried about the server but there really was no reason to bring up the tip. I mean even if you felt that the server was undertipped, just got back to the restaurant the next day and tip the server without him there. idk I'm just saying that there are better ways to handle it

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Lol I was on Zoloft and than lexapro and it helped with the PTSD and nightmares etc. he told me when we first started going out that I didn’t need them. (Secretly I think he did this bc he couldn’t make me cum and I know that’s his thing but also bc he saw me still struggling) I went off of them a few weeks into our relationship and boy….was a fuckin nuts…still am a bit.

UPDATE. We talked on the phone, I called him and after him waking up and hearing me he said he didn’t care because he only worry’s about us and he’s sorry that it hurts me this much but he’s only worried about us and us only in the bedroom and he said he’s very happy and we haven’t had any problems yet 😊 I apologized multiple times and that I love him and wouldn’t want to share us with anyone else and it would’nt feel the same and I just love him. I explained that the thought popped into my head not that I was dwelling on it. Ofc that’s what happened last night anyway. But he’s fine LOL.

We exclaimed our love and he hurried off for school and wished me good luck on my interview today. Yesterday I was feeling very very off prior to this. And I poured my heart out to him about my aspirations and how much I want him by my side to continue to uplift me as I also do to him. And for him to just be my right hand and how I want him to see me succeed and I want the same for him. I kept crying and being emotional af (I don’t think I’m usually like this…that’s why he asked if I was pregnant, which I guess I’ll go get a test anyway).

It’s no excuse and I don’t think he was expecting this but I think that’s why he’s also being patient and understanding. I also know this has to come from me to “forgive” his past. I judged by his looks that he was an asshole and player and did stuff like this. And when I did hear this I thought he was just better than that or wasn’t capable of it. It was shocking to me. I know that’s fucked up too.

I don’t want to dwell or be jealous or make him upset and myself. I don’t want to jeopardize our relationship now, bc of something that probably lasted 10 minutes and most importantly- before he even knew me!

It’s something I’ll have to deal with and not bring up anymore probably. Also for me to believe him and trust him. We have amazing chemistry. He doesn’t realize but I never knew I could be attracted to a man/anyone this much. When we’re together it’s just so natural and comfortable. I was always so afraid with men, I wouldn’t leave my house too much because i was terrified. He doesn’t know who I really was and how I acted than.

Also the reason I have trust issues to begin with besides my trauma is that his ex was his lock and Home Screen when we went out on our first date. I thought I was the other woman. And he broke down and he was like idk why I have that up still and exclaimed we had an amazing night and that there was a good connection. That severed it for me- but he practically begged me to go out again and If I didn’t have the connection I did with him. LITERALLY anyone else would’ve been blocked. Which yea, this mistake cause problems in our relationship in the beginning for sure. He had to work a lot of that trust back into the relationship. Mostly all thanks to mom for wanting me to give it another go if “I liked him” lmao. Thanks ma.

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Being a POC, it's understandable for her to have her guard up, but it sounds like she's taken things to an extreme in some cases. Yeah, rocking a tribal head dress at a festival isn't great, but I don't think an isolated incident like this, given the context, is grounds to not even want to talk to the person. Her scope of violations seems to be pretty wide from what I see.

Go to your friend's wedding. If she has an issue with it, you need to have a serious discussion with her about what she is expecting for the two of you if YOU aren't black. I know the world we live in has incredible racial problems but if you aren't going to be able to even hang out with a friend who may have said something as trivial as "I don't like rap music" because she will see it as a racist comment, you are going to suffer for the rest of your life.

I will try to get her in therapy. Not that I’m forcing her to be someone but just for her mind to be distracted and happy again i guess.. even though she seems fine. Idk, just wanted to try, i guess.

Thank you so much for this, I'm honestly so quick to get upset and have a bit of a hard time vocalizing what's bothering me, I think just taking a deep breath and giving myself some time to think/collect my thoughts before anything else would help a ton, I will be keeping your comment in mind the next time I feel myself getting irritated ❤️ thank you again

I told him I wanted to pay the tip to make it 20 and he said then he wouldn’t feel like a man

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s ultimatum time. If he can’t get his shit together and support his family you need to leave his ass. Ask grandma for help.

Give him a deadline. Tell him that on march 1, 1 of 3 things will happen. Either

• baby will be in daycare, paid for by him, or
• he will be in management so you can step back and focus on caring for your children and caring for yourself, Or
• you’re gone with the kid and he can have equal custody, which he’s going ti have to figure out how to manage with his job.

You said you lost feelings for him and then towards the end you said you love him so which is it? You two shouldn’t be together. You’re both looking at seeing other people and can’t decide how you feel about one another. Ldr’s are not for everyone and it doesn’t seem to be working for the two of you. End the relationship and stop leading each other on. Just walk away and find someone else. You’re still young and he’s obviously not “the one” for you and you’re not “the one” for him.

You don’t trust each other and you don’t really have feelings for each other. It sounds like you’re just in love with the idea of being in love. Go find the person who’s right for you because he’s not it.

Having a spark with someone is not cheating lmao😭 losing feelings for someone is natural and a part of life. Stop acting sanctimonious, everyone is human

I did offer to pay the 20% lol, I also told him the night before we didnt have to go anywhere fancy

I just think you maybe should have waited for a different time to bring it up. Regardless of what you say its gonna seem to him like you don’t appreciate what he did for you. Also there are people in relationships that have way worse issues and their bfs make them pay for everything and tip lol. At least he cares enough to do special things for you.. if you care so much ab tipping then you contribute money to the tip

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That's fair.

Have you ever been in the situations where your S.O. want's you to know your feelings, and they would become sad if you don't share but you know that they would become sad if you do?