Felt sorry for you until I read the comments.

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I've got one question. Does your wife usually keep a change of clothes and underwear in her work bag?

If this is the only time you've ever seen clothing in the bag and it just happens to be mystery lingerie then yeah, that's pretty damning.

If she normally travels with a full change of clothes or underwear then this may not be quite the smoking gun you think it is. You've been pretty vague about what they look like and "black bra and panties" could mean just about anything. If it's just underwear that happens to be black that you haven't noticed before that doesn't sound like a huge deal by itself.

You’re welcome, make sure he’s aware of your boundary and ALWAYS pull through with the consequence- as a teacher I am telling you this is extremely important.

He swears aggressively- stay overnight at a friends. Doesn’t matter how much he apologizes and begs for you to stay, if you give in then he knows he can continue that behaviour.

Just be calm “I have told you my boundary, you crossed the line- I’m going to be staying away tonight and I’ll be back tomorrow to discuss this”.

It would be tough but I doubt you’d have to do this more than 1-2 times before it’s a very, very real boundary that he won’t cross again.

She basically he reaped what he sowed. Edit: he deleted the post lol

You might need to, because if they're a regular black bra and panties that just happen to match then you may be overreacting. If they're some Frederick's of Hollywood number then situation is probably exactly what it looks like.

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Give the referral. It’s what friends do.

You say he’d be good at the job.... help a friend out.

I’d ghost you too. You’re a terrible friend. Friends are there for each other when it matters most. This matters. You’re being a lousy friend

We probably should but we're pretty good at talking things out without it. I'm really honest and have brought some of these feelings to his attention and we've also problem solved a lot. We do work together to try to improve our relationship. I just have a hard time with my jealousy and insecurities and he can't really change his preferences but we could both respect each other more. Maybe I could respect his privacy and he could take more responsibility for his actions sometimes but I don't know if either of those two things are achievable. I do weirdly think our relationship will work out in spite of those things though. We just have to adapt.

Thank you for the understanding and thoughtful reply.

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You are withholding help from your “best friend” because you are afraid he’ll stop being your friend if you help him? Grow up man. Have some respect for those you call friends wtf

Boundaries are VERY important!

To be honest, I am not ever marrying for this reason. If someone is being controlling/abusive/disrespectful then I want the freedom to leave when I want, without paying 7 million dollars to divorce.

And I’m in a VERY HEALTHY relationship of 11 years, but I digress.

There’s no other boundary to set other than “if you continue to swear at me, I will make sure I’m not around to hear it”. If you don’t want to go the whole “leaving them” route, then you can at least DISTANCE yourself when it occurs. I’m sure after a couple of hotel nights your partner will realize he’s headed for divorce if he continues that behaviour.

What is he aggressively swearing over? If my SO is even a bit off base in his response to me I say “try again” and that’s enough to correct and apologize. It doesn’t happen often at all, because he knows that’s the response he will get or I will actually get in my car and leave (maybe 2 times in 11 years this happened).

So yeah, remain consistent and predictable and react in a way that doesn’t condone the behaviour. Removing yourself from the situation would be best, because he already KNOWS you don’t put up with that shit, so if he tries he can’t say he doesn’t know why you’re leaving…

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Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

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Sounds like you two should go to couples therapy honestly

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Honestly, they both should probably not be together. A couple weeks ago he posted that she works 100+ hours a week to support their family of 4 kids and he doesn't consider it as her supporting the family. (To be clear, he did work most of their marriage while she stayed home with the kids).

She was also 19 and he was 25 when they got married and when she first got pregnant with the first of 4 children, which makes me wonder how old she was when they started dating. Additionally, according to other deleted posts in his history, he's been looking to hook up with multiple other women.

He also smashed her phone and assaulted a client his wife was having a conversation with. Apparently he drove to her workplace at 1:30am at night and beat the guy up then grabbed her phone and "smashed it into pieces." Edit: The same guy he mentions in this post whom she was sitting on the couch with talking to with the door open, it sounds like.

He says in another comment his wife has sent photos of herself in the lingerie to the client, so it does sound like she's cheating. But sounds like OP has tried to multiple times as well and their marriage sounds extremely unhealthy - not just on her end.

This current post presents a very one-sided view of their relationship. Neither of them are in the right, and I'm concerned for their kids. They have 4 young children, their mom sounds like she's cheating on their dad, their dad sounds like he's trying to cheat on their mom, and their dad violently assaulted someone and broke his wife's property. Cheating is wrong, but violence is too.

One of his previous posts.

https://www.unddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/10dkof5/30m_24f_looking_for_honest_opinions_and_what/

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There was another post that I read just now and the gal was saying that her boyfriend convinced her to take of the condom and he finished inside of her and everyone is reading her the riot act about how awful it was. You should check it out. Like you, she seemed to not be freaking out enough about this bullshit. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/10pjhdy/my_f19_new_bf_m23_has_an_std/

Just swap out the gender and relationship details and pay attention to how selfish and fucked up this is.

You're not responsible for her MH after you breakup but I can grunted you're part of the issue now, you piece of shit.