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You do know men are visual? We are initially physically attracted to a woman and putting on a nice outfit and makeup specifically to impress your man once in a while is a kind thing you can do for him. Yours doesn’t notice so you guys are different I guess

"I don't want to go to the party tonight."

Dump the loser AND GET YOUR EDUCATION!!! This is the moment where, if you choose poorly and stupidly, you’ll look back on what your life could have been with deep, deep regret.

For the love of God please run thru those college doors! Do not sacrifice yourself to be his personal nanny

Craig, I suggest you see a psychologist to obtain a professional opinion on what you're dealing with. I share u/Reverend_Vader's concern that you are describing many warning signs for BPD (borderline personality disorder). That's why I asked you about the 4 behaviors, all of which are red flags for BPD (which my exW suffers from).

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means everyone occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (usually at a low level if the person is healthy). BPD traits are primitive defenses that, when used appropriately and in moderation, increase our chances of survival.

At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum).

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Instead, I'm suggesting you consider whether she may be a person with many strong BPD symptoms (i.e., may be a "pwBPD").

When we first began dating, she was great.

Craig, most pwBPD are good and caring individuals. Their problem is not being BAD but, rather, being UNSTABLE. Indeed, a pwBPD typically exhibits the warmth, spontaneity, vulnerability, and purity of expressions that otherwise are seen only on the faces of young children.

This is why pwBPD usually are very easy to fall in love with. It thus is not surprising that 3 of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe, Judy Garland, and Princess Diana -- all had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

Her tantrums are almost excusively reserved for me, her sister, and her friends.

Craig, the vast majority of pwBPD are "high functioning" -- i.e., they typically hold jobs and generally get along fine with coworkers, classmates, casual friends, and total strangers. None of those people are able to trigger her fears of abandonment and engulfment.

There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment. Hence, with most pwBPD, the strong BPD symptoms usually appear only when someone draws very close to the pwBPD.

This is why it is common for high-functioning pwBPD to do well in socially difficult jobs such as being a social worker, nurse, professor, salesclerk, or doctor. And this is why most pwBPD can be considerate and friendly all day long to complete strangers -- but often will go home at night to abuse the very people who love them.

My GF often yells at me over innocuous and benign statements.

If your GF is a pwBPD, Craig, she carries much anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a pwBPD can burst into a rage in only a few seconds.

Moreover, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions, resulting in unstable behavior. This is why, outside the USA, most countries call this disorder "emotionally unstable personality disorder" (EUPD).

She attacks me... I have bite marks on my arms and forehead. I have a broken pinky finger. I have scars from her clawing at me.

Craig, a substantial share of pwBPD never physically abuse their partners. Many of them do, however. This is why more than 30 empirical studies have found the physical abuse of a spouse or partner to be strongly associated with BPD.

And this is why "Intense, inappropriate anger" is one of the 9 defining traits for BPD. Indeed, the terms "anger," "impulsive behavior," and "unstable" appear in 4 of the 9 BPD Symptoms.

She tried to stab herself to death in front of me... She has huge scars all over her body from self-harm.

Craig, another one of those 9 BPD symptoms is "Recurrent suicidal behavior*, gestures, threats, or self-injurious behavior such as* cutting or hitting yourself." Significantly, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the American DSM-5, only BPD has both suicidal thoughts and self-harming behavior like cutting included in its list of defining symptoms.

She is constantly telling me she loves me.

If your GF is an untreated pwBPD, she likely does love you. Indeed, a pwBPD is capable of loving you very intensely -- but it is the very immature type of love you see in young children.

This means she will occasionally flip -- in only seconds -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing or hating you). And a few hours or days later, she can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from a primitive defense called "black-white thinking."

Like a young child, a pwBPD never had an opportunity to learn the emotional skills needed to handle two strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate) at the same time. This means she has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. She thus will subconsciously split off the conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind.

With young children, this "splitting" is evident when the child will adore Daddy while he's bringing out the toys but, in only a few seconds, will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away. Importantly, this behavior does not mean that the child has stopped loving Daddy. Rather, it means that her conscious mind is temporarily out of touch with those loving feelings.

Similarly, a pwBPD will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...."

In every argument, she claims I don't love her anymore.

If your GF is an untreated pwBPD, Craig, she is so immature that -- like a very young child -- she cannot perceive "object constancy" -- i.e., she cannot see that your love for her is essentially unchanged from day to day.This is why it is impossible for you -- through sacrifices and gifts -- to build up a store of appreciation and good will on which you can later draw during the hard times. Like a young child, her perception of you is fully dictated by whatever intense feeling she is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT.

Hence, trying to build up a lasting store of appreciation is as futile as trying to build a lasting sandcastle on the shore beside the sea. It will be washed aside by the next tide of intense feelings flooding her mind.

Likewise, it is futile to keep trying to convince her that you truly love her. Although she may believe you for a day or two, she will start doubting your love as soon as her feelings change. The result is that a pwBPD typically will frequently administer shit tests to test whether you seem to love her TODAY.

I really have no idea what to do. Being nice doesn't work.

Again, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you're dealing with. Whenever strong BPD warning signs are appearing, it is important to see your own psychologist, i.e., one who has not treated or seen your GF.

In that way, Craig, you're ensured that the psychologist is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not hers. I mention this because therapists generally are loath to tell a high-functioning pwBPD the name of her disorder. They often decide that it is not in her best interests to be told.

Of course, learning to spot BPD warning signs will not enable you to diagnose her issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute a full-blown disorder.

Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., remaining in a hurtful relationship or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Learning the red flags also can help you decide when professional guidance is needed.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so and you have questions, Craig, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

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You were only a few months into the relationship and you found out that those qualities were being used to hide misbehavior.

He has surface level good qualities but extremely poor character. The poor character is what you're going to be dealing with long term. The good qualities will be dropped as soon as he thinks he has you hooked.

You have to understand that it is normal for someone to appear "perfect" for you at the beginning of the relationship. People put their best foot forward. They do what they know you want so you will consider them for the role of partner. The difference between someone who is just putting on a facade and someone who is genuinely a good person is that the good person maintains all these good traits consistently and long term.

My ex, for instance, was "everything I wanted in man" and sucked me into a whirlwind romance and marriage. Literally the day we married he dropped the mask and I discovered I was married to an absolutely miserable, selfish, abusive person. There were signs, but I ignored them because he had that fake perfect man persona which made me question my sanity if I ever had concerns.

My current partner, on the other hand, is a genuinely good person. He didn't playact a good partner until he had me hooked. He IS one, to his core. He communicates openly because it is genuinely important to him. He is kind all the time because he is a genuinely kind person. He is not good to me only to get something from me, but because his goodness is a core part of his personality.

It takes time and caution to find out whether a person's behavior is genuine or not. You have found out that your bfs "good person" persona was at least partially false. It would be really foolish to continue with him.

I don’t think you’re being crazy.

I don’t think he has the same conclusions you do. He’s clearly attracted to you. But sometimes we do like when our girlfriend does her make up gets ready and puts on her best. It doesn’t mean I don’t like her or love her find her any more or less attractive. When you guys get ready to highlight features that we like, and we pay attention to.

I will say that when I said he gets pissed he yells. But he has never once yelled at me. Fight, or angry with something his voice has never deviated the normal calm and gentleness that he always speaks to me with

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Hi, thank you for your response.

I completely agree with you, and can assure you that I wasn’t looking for a pat on the back.

I have a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology, and I think that has made it harder to leave. I am a strong empath and have ended up making excuses and trying to hold on to hope he would change. And I have also felt too ashamed to ask others for advice or admit things weren’t working because people often assume that a psychologist will have all the answers (ironically, I do when working with other people, but it is very different when it’s your personal life, and I don’t want to be psychoanalysing my partner). All of this has left me gradually more and more isolated, and therefore doubting myself constantly.

I have spoken with my partner today and explained that we will be separating. I am now just trying to work things out so that we can split without too much stress or drama.

I greatly appreciate you taking the time to respond and provide your advice. You are completely right that I need a partner, not a friend that I look after. And it is true that I have made excuses and avoided the truth for too long. Thank you for your help.

I think the problem is that the wife wants to completely replace daughter’s middle name, which OP handpicked, with her maiden name, and the husband wants to compromise and just add it on as a 2nd middle name. Which seems like a reasonable request.

Oh okay so not to defend this guy, but that old post was actually about a completely different abuser! (They're everywhere, right?) It was a situation my mom was in a while back but luckily that's actually been resolved. I'm really far away from her so I just didn't know what to do. But it's still pretty bad, right?

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In what way were you a victim? You willingly slept with someone, and he dumped you. It happens to plenty of people, most of them don't play victim.

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Your reasoning for couples therapy is kinds to check on him which is weird.

But there is nothing wrong with individual therapy or yall doing couples therapy for a normal reason.

And it's never too early to do therapy (in most cases) people usually wait until it's too late.

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You need to care about alimony and child support. Frankly, that’s part of the reason you’ve allowed this to go on for so long. He clearly cares about his finances, that’s why he’s not contributing fairly. This relationship has bankrupted you, financially, mentally, and emotionally. You’re so deep in the hole you don’t even know you’re in it. One of the reasons he probably doesn’t want to marry you is so he doesn’t have to pay alimony. This is exactly what alimony is for: your devotion to the home and your kid has severely limited your ability to financially take care of yourself, and has increased his financial stability (he’s saved so much money by not contributing to the upkeep of your kid).

Clearly, you’re capable of taking care of yourself and your son. Perhaps he’s beaten you down emotionally for so long you don’t believe it anymore. Keep going to therapy and share ALL of this with your therapist.

You’re asking this man for permissions to make decisions about your own life. You don’t need his permission. Use the credit card and put your son in daycare.

Use that time to rebuild your business. Your boyfriend (he’s not your partner) doesn’t have to like it and he doesn’t have to agree. Take that money and hire a damn lawyer. You need to leave this relationship and he needs to pay child support.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this; this is a very hard lesson to learn…you’ve given up your life to live his and it’s literally hurting you in more ways than one. It’s not worth it sweetheart.

There’s a lot of people out there that are bigots. You can’t change those people. And sometimes you can’t always avoid them. Your job is to protect your sister if you can. You can warn your sister. You can eve ask for her advice. But as long as you don’t purposely subject her to these people, then all should be fine. Big events will be your issue. Like you potential wedding. But choosing your sister over them seems like a simple pick for you.

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Everyone should develop a healthy mother and father internally for themselves. To nurture your inner child. It’s no one’s turn but yourself. You need to talk to the immature emotions for what they are… immature and childish. That’s developing self parenting skills. You’ll always need a parent it just becomes your responsibility to be your own after awhile. Once that’s healed you’ll grow a lot.

When you go to therapy that’s generally the reason they ask about how you grew up and your relationship with your parents. it helps gauge what type of parenting skills you have.

Maybe you had to grow up fast. You have to nurture and protect your inner child. But in an argument it sounds like that child is coming out. Not the parent.

Go to therapy. Any therapist worth their salt will hone in on that pretty quickly. You’re not alone especially someone in their early 20s. I was a man baby until my mid 20s. It fucking sucks but you’re self aware enough where now you have an obligation to your inner child and those that you’re affecting with your behavior.

I am a victim. I dont get how i am not. He was the one that was married not me. Yes, I shouldnt have "blackmailed" him, but I didnt want to let him go. He was my everything. He told everyone about the affair, so I have no way of getting back with him or have no leverage and nows acting like i never existed. Its harsh.