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This might not be the problem you think it is.

It actually might be a lot worse.

Does he defer to her judgment a lot? Does she like you, treat you well, or does she undermine your relationship, even a little bit, or in ways that your bf can’t or refuses to see?

Because I’m order for your relationship to work, and for living together to be a happy venture, you two need to be on the same page. Even if you have different ideas about life in general, your relationship can be complementary and great, but living together requires the same outlook on some things, including independent thinking, money management, and chores.

Has he always intended to save up before moving in with you? If yes, are you the one who is just trying to alter the plan to suit your perspective of how things “should be?”

Because I agree that having 30k saved up from a job he hasn’t even started yet is an overly cautious approach, and it means waiting at least a year. On the other hand though, if you’re not good with money management in the real world, that year might make a difference between starting the rest of your life off really well, and moving back home in 18 months, after breaking up.

Having some savings is the smartest thing to do. Not sure that 30k each is necessary, though.

So the information you’ve given could go either way, honestly.

Either there’s no good reason to wait, meaning his mother is incredibly controlling and he’s ok with it, which does not say anything good about your future (see r/justnomil for stories you might see her in) or…there’s a good reason to wait, and you’re ignoring it.

What’s your reasoning here?

You don’t seem to understand how this could be upsetting, so we don’t need to continue. Thanks for your suggestion.

Right. I think this is really hard for me because he’s been the perfect partner in other capacities and I love him. That’s why I’m trying to get an outsider perspective to see past the rose tinted glasses

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Not rude at all. It's a kindness. LISTEN. Everything said is the truth. Reality is hard to face, but if you don't face it now it's going to get MUCH worse

Hopefully she can drop her defenses and hear you, best of luck

Have the boundaries been tested? Push back from her parents? I think when that happens that might be enlightening.

Families don’t always have to merge, but that won’t be possible unless your gf is ok keeping them at arms length.

I've been in a situation like this. Fortunately, in my case, I wasn't married to him yet. You need to speak up and speak up now. He has proven this is what he wants and it will only get worse from here. He will keep on pushing it, all the while telling you it's just fantasy and guilting you into it because you should want to please him. You need to set a firm boundary with consequences. It took me way too long to do this and caused me to waste a few good years of my life on someone that I couldn't stomach. The sooner the better.

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

• We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors

• Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)

• ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.

• No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

• All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.

• What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

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I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

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The thing is that I think it’s perfectly reasonable to save for a good 4-6 months before renting, but for me a year is just too long. I’m sick of the whole only seeing eachother on weekends thing. That’s what highschoolers do. All of our friends are moved out and living on their own and we’re the only ones still with our parents and not living together. It’s sort of embarrassing.

Thank you for your comment. Especially the part about accountably. I know that’s something I hope to get from her. Besides being a big one it’s our first situation even close to this bad. The suggestions you gave me are great and help me know that I have options and that can handle this, if that makes sense.

My husband has deployed multiple times and I’ve FaceTimed him on every one. Honey, here’s the reality. At best, he’s terrible at communication. At worst, you’re his side piece. Either way, this guy does not value you and you should run while you can.

Seriously what year is this guy living in where we think women do what they do for the sake of men. Yuck. Lmao.

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It's not just about the planning. She expressed that she was unhappy, he promised to do something about it, and then he didn't. You don't have to be a big planner to ask your partner out to the movies or Google a new sex position.

I reckon the few dates a month are cheaper than paying an hourly rates for a babysitter, so there's that

I have the same issue. It's the combination of the xo dom being too tight and nerves messing with ya. Happens like once a month to me, it's no biggie. Just make sure you do it every time you are calm and collected.

P.S. don't think too much before and during sex. Just let it go wild.

Every year i think, “this is the year” & i swear he’s perfect in every other way. But i agree with you, it’s like having a roommate. Which sucks for me. But i love him :( and i feel like he tries & fails. Like it’s very hard for him. When we talk about it he says he’ll try harder and never tries to justify it.