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I appreciate you’re honesty. I am not fully one way or another yet. It’s more coming from a place where multiple people have told me it’s a no brainer(mainly guys) but my main goal here is to have a prosperous family. If doing this doesn’t lead me there then it’s a no. My vows are also another important thing that I’ve considered but as for her doing this from a place of insecurity, I don’t think so because her personality type which is usually well thought out and free minded in many ways.

Being fair to her fiance is fine and all l, but this advice is supposed to be in your interest. If( only if) you do want to pursue her I think you should do something that will make it clear to her. Leaving her with no choice, but either reciprocate your feelings or reject them. If she acts ambivalous then you should distance yourself letting her knows you aren't interested in being some side guy. If she does reciprocate as not be evil about it pressure her to make decision whether to get with you and leave her fiance or if she wants to stay with him than while also meddling with you then you need to run. In this case she is a hoe.

If she just rejects your feelings than disrance yourself from her. Things will be awkward, but there is no potential reward without potential risk.

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lmaooo why u say that? I'm trying to post kind of the "whole picture", without crucifying someone.

Well the doctor gave her a possible solution and it appears she had no interest in trying. If she doesn't want to take the steps to correct the problem, can you live with bad sex the rest of your life?

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Why should YOU compromise when she doesn’t want to do the same.. who cares let her be mad, your daughter may even decide in the future to change her name who knows

Threatening suicide is next level manipulation. So he’s willing to resort to that but addressing the issues and instituting change is out of the question? And there’s little that I would find “great” about being a SAHM if that comes with shackles. All this and you let him put a child in you? Just ugh. Your job here is to protect your kids ASAP. Raising them in this environment is unfair to them. The longer they are exposed , the more permanent the damage. You need to seek out an alternative with family, a friend, anyone. For any future with him I’d require him to enter both individual and couples therapy and get him to quit whatever substances are contributing to the issues. If he’s serious about suicide, there’s nothing you can do to stop him.

Well I mean we aren’t technically “official” we’ve had a conversation where we determined we aren’t seeing other people maybe a week before Christmas. We both celebrated with our own families in separate states but came together this past week to exchange gifts. I guess I’ll take fault for making an assumption that we would hang since we’re normally together on weekends anyway.

It’s not just an intrusion of her privacy. He involved her in his kink without her consent or knowledge. That’s really bad.

I dont think trust can ever be regained once this kind of boundary is crossed. If he was willing to go that far, how much farther will he go?

It sounds like you are a lesbian. If he’s attractive and you feel repulsed sexually that’s a solid sign… he cheated on you as well… not good. It sounds like you need to break away from this and explore yourself more away from this guy.

On Tinder? On Tinder waiting a week is probably pretty long, someone else will move faster than you.

On eHarmony or FarmersOnly.com, 3 to 4 months might be fine.

Well she suggested things will get better. That this was temporary which is why I started the relationship in the first place. She knows what my needs are and I've communicated that pretty clearly.I don't want to just break up without having a conversation about it. I don't really have a problem with waiting, it's the uncertainty that's bothering me the most. We're always kissing and hugging and cuddling so there isn't a lack of physical intimacy entirely. But you might have a point about incompatibility, I just won't know if that's the case until we talk about it.

Two middle names?

My husband is the same. He has always been a huge gamer. He is gaming as I type this. When we first started living together it was never an issue. A week before our daughter's first birthday he lost his job. It was devastating for him as he'd been there for 10 years. It was the height of covid and hard to find anything else. He completely retreated into gaming. He didn't even leave the house. If he wasn't caring for our daughter or helping with wedding planning he was gaming. I convinced him to start therapy but it continued until he found another job. He is back to his previous self and spends equal time gaming and quality family time.

I say this to say my husband was in a very dark place. Gaming was soothing and a good escape for him. This may not last but he'll probably need support through it. If you feel you aren't the person for that it's ok. It just sounds like there may be more going on that hasn't been communicated. He sounds like an absolutely wonderful person who you really care about but sometimes our patience just wears out.

Seems so obvious

I don't think we're still getting the complete picture here, but based just off this he sounds like an unsupportive douche canoe.

I want to talk to her first. I just need to know the right approach for it.

I'm sure there's no abuse or trauma.

I understand your concern. I with all my heart believe he will not harm me or my children. It’s just a toxic environment for us . Luckily he works all the time so we are not around it a lot . I am completely dependent on him though. He’s a local Hawaiin here and I have no family here , only on the mainland .

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