Bc that's all you know, and clearly you don't actually care about helping. That's fine bc you aren't useful at all whatsoever. Be more useful and helpful and proactive in the future ;)

Although your feelings are obviously valid, it's never a good idea to force your partner to cut someone out (unless it's about super bad issues, which this isn't).

Yes, he has tried, and probably will try. On the other hand, he has respected the boundary for many months too, because he probably figured out, your gf will not give in. It's not clear in your story why you got angry though. He's been respectful and he drove her home after a night out, without anything having happened other than some normal talks... Don't be the jealous gf.

In any case, trust your partner rather than distrusting the guy. I think your partner is more than fair to agree with only seeing him on family matters. Be grateful you have such a partner!

Conclusion: shake these feelings as you've reached another healthy agreement (first the boundaries, now the limited contact). If you say 1 more thing about it now, it seems like you're the toxic, jealous gf... Be mature, get past it.

No need to apologize.

I agree that long distance was easier for him. He could go see his friends when he wanted, did not have to deal with things that comes with living with your partner and he could spend as much time with his family as he wanted. But the separation was also difficult for him so we both thought this would actually make things better.

He has also been dealing with depression (from the situation as well) so I didn't blame him for not being as involved.

At first his family said they liked me a lot, but it started getting "bad" because him and I had issues (from the long distance and other things that we were actually working on pretty well) and his family couldnt help but get involve. He also didnt help because he would talk about the issue with them. I dont know if it is a normal things or not, I only have my mom left and we are not close so I dont really do that.

But this and my "requests" kinda started the whole thing. Even thought he still claimed that whole time that they like me just fine.

He just got a job so I hope that will help, he was feeling really bad about not being able to land a job. He is also gonna rent me something but he wont come with me, he said he think we need space. I am not sure if its gonna help or not but at this point I just want to get away from his family.

He mentioned that he doesnt really love me romantically but hope it will come back when the tensions coming from living here go away as well. It is just really frustating to me because I feel like those issues are all coming from his family and he let them do that to us :(

I know you asked people to be kind so I won't pile on, but the other two commenters are absolutely right. This man is not ready for marriage, it's more like you are playing marriage (and he's not) than actually acting like a married couple.

There’s ways to help, it doesn’t take mind reading, exaggerate much? And if you’re trying to help, what are you doing to help? All you describe is policing his phone, getting upset about it, then complaining about it on Reddit.

You didn’t expect them but it doesn’t change that this was designed to fail.

How long do you think you can last like this?

I agree with you. It wasn't like this in the beginning. I had never gone through his phone before recently. But that's opened my eyes to new ideas about him feeling like he needs to hide things. I don't want to make him feel that way, and will for sure talk to him and ask about the way he feels about going through phones. That's why I ask for advice because I hear different viewpoints I haven't thought of before, thank you. I wish he could've communicated it to me but I can see why it could be difficult for him to express. Thanks again.

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I am seriously trying to help but like it's literally impossible for me to help if he isn't communicating. If he's out at sea drowning and I'm at home, he can call me and tell me he's drowning. If he doesnt call me and tell me hes drowning, I don't know hes drowning, and it's impossible for me to help. I'm not a mind reader. Apparently you are, but I'm not. I am so willing to help him not drown. But how am I supposed to know he's drowning without that phone call.

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You want these to stop, no matter what you do it is unlikely they will.

Instead you can change how you see it as just a message, he doesn't keep doing it and putting on pressure, he doesn't get anyone else to pressure you either. So you really could just keep one email channel open, put a message saying "thank you for your email". And just keep ignoring it.

Keep in mind that you are in control of responding back, so he gets nothing in return for his messages. I wouldn't even block them, just regard them as an annoyance that you have to be reminded he exists a couple of times a year.

You could create an email account that would just route the emails into a black hole, pretty much the same as now. Block everything else but leave one channel he can send to and think that you are receiving them.

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The long distance was mostly failing because of me not being able to deal with the separation (mostly the whole year apart during covid since borders got closed down), so the issues we are having now, I did not expect them. We also saw each others a lot, at least before covid, and things were good.

But he isn't ok with it clearly , and why do you need to go through each others phones ? You don't trust him . He is so uncomfortable with your behaviour that he needs to delete things because you are being controlling and going through his phone and it's clearly not an occasional thing

It's not healthy , and it's not going to fly in future relationships . If you want to be happy you need to start with why you feel this obsessive need to be in someone's private life , because I promise you future partners will see a massive red flag waving

Yep it is on him, and that’s all you’ve been saying. Blame blame blame. If you want to help, you’d look for ways to empathize and problem solve. I even gave you ways to empathize that you could use to start to problem solve, but your response to that was to put it all on him instead. You’re in blame mode not help mode.

However, I do agree that we do have trust issues. That is a major flaw that we are also trying to fix, I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel safe + able to trust when I find him doing these things any time I've looked thru his phone.

I would 100% agree with you if we hadn't established beforehand that its okay to go through each other's phones. He has gone through mine exactly like I've gone through his.

... because it is on him for not communicating? If I was hurt that you replied to my comment but never communicated that to you, that's on me for not saying that it would hurt me, right? Same concept. Like if I just randomly replied to you saying "I don't want you to reply to my comment, you don't want to help me, you're pointing fingers" when I've never expressed that I didn't want you to comment before and you didn't know it about that, you'd be blindsided. Because I didn't communicate it. It's unreasonable to assume I know everything he's thinking and feeling. He needs to communicate. I cannot help him without the communication.

move on. This sounds cringy and pathetic.

Here's advice - he has already expressed to you that he doesn't agree with your boundaries because he is still doing it . You ARE policing his behaviour because you are checking up on what he is doing , and then kicking off because you don't agree with it

This relationship is not based in trust - you don't trust him so you are regularly invading his privacy , and it's not healthy . He doesn't want to adhere to your boundaries or he would have done so , not continued and tried to hide it from you

Just as an FYI for the future , a lot of people are not going to be happy with your obsessive checking of their phones for behaviours . Freedom to pick up a phone and Google it is not the same as going through someone's phone trying to catch them out , and a lot of people have a basic expectation of privacy . Not every aspect of someone's life , partner or not , is supposed to be completely accessible to you at all times , people are allowed to have thoughts , conversations and desires that are nothing to do with you , romantic partner or not . You sound controlling , and untrusting , and if you want to have a happy relationship in the future you need to accept that you cannot control people. If they are going to cheat on you , smothering them and giving them no privacy is not going to stop that , it's simply going to make them even less desirous of being loyal because frankly its exhausting living under surveillance

I'm sorry, this is one of the harshest things I have ever written on Reddit but this marriage and relationship is a joke.

He has absolutely no interest in leaving home. It is ridiculous that he has gotten married to someone and has made no effort to live with them independently. The way you write comes across strongly that he has no interest in leaving his mother's house. Him saying "his love is almost dead" is a whole field of big red flags waving. I wonder how strong it was in the first place; a long distance relationship via the internet sounds ideal for this guy.

Sorry, the way you write it makes your husband sound absolutely useless. Doesn't work, doesn't want to live independently, doesn't want to support his wife and doesn't see his wife as his family.

You are not incorrectly perceiving things; his family don't like you, they are prejudiced against you as an immigrant to the country. They are really skeptical about this relationship and I really don't blame them; it's not like he has been leaping to your defence or showing them he is your priority.

You don't really show us any indication that this man is especially committed to you beyond going through with the promised marriage. You should be his everything and instead, he remains wedded to his family.

I'm not really sure what you can do. You both need to be out of that house and together, but I would be very sure that he actually loves you first, rather than loving the idea of having a partner. I would worry that long distance suited him more.

He needs to get a job and actually be an adult and a husband.

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> If he changed his mind or needed to say yes to avoid conflict, he needed to communicate that. Because he hasn't, that's on him.

Saying it’s on him, how does that show you want to help? If anything that shows you don’t want to help, thus my point. No where have you said you want to help him with communication, you’ve just been blaming and pointing fingers the whole time. Blame is where you want the other person to take responsibility to fix it, helping is where you share that responsibility.

This situation was designed to fail.

You left a situation you had complete control to live with a man that has none. When the relationship was failing long distance you should have let it go. You expected them to change in their own home. That’s not going to happen.

This situation is only going to get worse.