You are not compatible.

You are not happy in your relationship

You don't trust him

He does things that make you unhappy

You deserve more

You deserve to be happy

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I never said I didn't want to help him thru it or that i dont want to communicate - how am I supposed to help somebody thru something they've never expressed they're struggling with? - this is an advice subreddit, not an assume worst case scenario for everybody's relationship subreddit. That's why I came for advice.

> What issue is bigger than harassment?

The fight that started this rift.

> Why are you defending someone who is repeatedly harassing someone else?

Because of the reasons for the harassment.

> Anyone who does this shit is a pathetic loser, without exception.

That’s ridiculous. You just skipped understanding reasons and judged without context.

> OP does not want this contact.

Yes. But is that really in his best interest? Wanting something doesn’t make it necessarily wise.

> Their father needs to get over himself.

He’s trying to by communicating.

> If he cared about OP, he wouldn't go against his wishes.

He may feel there are deeper issues and want to solve them.

> The father clearly doesn't give a damn about OP, or he would listen to what OP's actions say.

No. He just has a different goal.

> If you need me to be even more exhaustive in explaining this very simple concept, let me know.

Don’t worry. I explained it back for you instead.

If you don’t want to help him through that, that’s fine, but then stop complaining about it and break up with him already. You clearly have problems with him, don’t want to help him with better communication, and you don’t trust him. Why you still bothering with him then?

No, it’s controlling or dominating to try to force other people to behave how you want. Boundaries are what you do for yourself, not what you force other people to do for you. For example, here, a healthy boundary is to break up with someone who says one thing but does another. It’s controlling and codependent to stay with someone and try to force them to do what you want when they clearly aren’t going to.

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If he changed his mind or needed to say yes to avoid conflict, he needed to communicate that. Because he hasn't, that's on him.

What issue is bigger than harassment? Why are you defending someone who is repeatedly harassing someone else?

Anyone who does this shit is a pathetic loser, without exception. OP does not want this contact. Their father needs to get over himself. If he cared about OP, he wouldn't go against his wishes. The father clearly doesn't give a damn about OP, or he would listen to what OP's actions say.

If you need me to be even more exhaustive in explaining this very simple concept, let me know.

For all of these types of complaints, rather than break up because he’s untrustworthy or discuss with him why he says one thing but does another, your solution is to monitor and object to his behavior getting more and more mad. I don’t see how that’s helping either of you.

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It's controlling or dominating to set boundaries and then be upset when those boundaries are violated? Ok. 👍

Concerning you don’t see the bigger issues.

This is an issue that may be resolved with communication.

You would want your dad to give up on you. That’s unfortunate but explains a lot.

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Rather than break up because he’s untrustworthy or discuss with him why he keeps doing it even though he said he wouldn’t (he could be having trouble with temptation, he could just have agreed to avoid a fight, he could have changed his mind) you’re instead monitoring his phone and getting more and more upset by it. If you don’t want to call that policing, ok, how about controlling, or nagging, or dictating, or dominating?

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And the porn is the surface level issue - the real issue is that I have to FIND OUT he's doing these things, he has not once come to me about any of these things. It would be different if he admitted to his mistakes vs me having to find out about it.

Is your friend needing proof that the kid is his or that the kid even exists in the first place? Surely the “mom” has some kind of social media. Are there pics of a kid? If so, how old does he seem to be? Does she have any family he can contact to verify that there is, indeed, a kid?

He's in a situation where he can live how he likes and barely works and openly disrespects you. He's not a man of strong character by the sounds of it, so only a negative consequence will change his behavior if he ever changes. Clearly love for you and your children isn't enough to make him step up and be a present father and husband. You can impose a negative consequence by leaving for a few weeks until he changes his routine.

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If she usually lies to get attention. Work on getting an ‘agent’ who can get the paternity confirmation in his stead. If you can’t afford a lawyer to manage the whole exchange, a sister or a really close friend might suffice.

This may be a bug but I am getting notfis of replies but I'm unable to view the comments unless they are direct replies to my comments. So I can see half of your message but that's about it. Please reply here so I can see your comment, thank you 🙏

I disagree that it's me "policing" when he agreed to stop. If he never agreed to stopping & agreed it was harmful to him + our relationship I would agree. But I am definitely not policing him when we've already had a conversation about it, he agrees to stop, and then does it behind my back.