She has shame likely because of how she was raised. But what you did with purposely watching her doing it and asking her how her orgasm was is a total creep power play. She has issues likely linked to childhood trauma and you are obsessed with getting her to admitting she is masturbating. You are more obsessed with getting her to admit it then understanding why she won’t and helping her heal. Your behaviour is a massive red flag.

Thank you for your reply.

You’re right. But I feel that it’s a little more complicated than that. It’s my fault for not giving enough detail and explanation in my original post.

My boyfriend had a very tough early life. His mum died suddenly when he was 9, and then his father didn’t really look after him properly. He didn’t have any friends growing up, and became a social recluse with severe social anxiety.

We met at university many years ago, and he was always kind towards me. I am also a bit socially awkward, so we got on really well and became good friends. That eventually developed into a relationship.

He was a lot more functional back then, but things have changed over the years. He became a lot more depressed, dropped out of his masters degree, and then got signed off work long term because he believed he could not work due to his anxiety and low mood. I understood and supported him as best I could, but it has been 6 years and he has developed a lot of really bad, lazy habits now. He is complacent about pretty much everything. I was doing a Doctorate and asked him to help by proof reading my Thesis. He went on and on about how the thesis was stressing him out and adding a burden to his life. I ended up sleeping in the spare room for weeks and just doing the work without discussing it with him. I eventually told him he had upset me, and he apologised. But his behaviour hasn’t really improved. He can change one little thing, but the general behaviour stays the same.

I have to add that he has recently started being assessed for high functioning autism, so it is likely this plays a big part in his behaviours. It makes me question how reasonable/unreasonable my expeditions are all the time. But I also know so many people on the autism spectrum who aren’t rude and entitled like him. So I don’t know. He said I need to be more patient with him. But it has been years. He can be a fun companion, but he doesn’t make me feel secure or happy in the long term. 😔

Could she possibly be asleep? I have done that like 3 times in my life during a sex dream

[removed]

Sounds like you're dealing with some of the sunk-cost fallacy--the idea that you've invested so much time and energy into something that you can't back out now.

You can.

(And honestly, take that holiday by yourself if you want to. Just for a change of scene and to explore on your own.)

[removed]

[removed]

Thank you for your response.

You are right. But I love him very much and feel I would miss him greatly if we weren’t together. He can be very sweet to me sometimes, it’s just this selfish way of communicating he has that really hurts me. He had a rough childish as he lost his mum very young, and then his Dad was useless. So I don’t think he ever really grew up or learned healthy communication skills. But, I have suggested couples counselling and he doesn’t want to try it. Apparently the reason is because he thinks “you and the counsellor will gang up against me”.

I have put so much into the relationship. We live together, have dogs together, and have years of routines etc that we got used to. I don’t know how I’d cope without him.

Cookie jar is an excellent name for a vagina. 😂

Jokes aside, I completely agree. If she will lie and gaslight about something like this, how are you expected to trust her with bigger things going forward? What won't she lie about and how could you ever trust that she was being truthful? I personally couldn't live that way, best of luck to OP moving forward.

Thank you for your reply. I agree with what you have said.

He does see a therapist once a week, although it took years for me to basically force him to start doing this. 😔 He behaves better towards me for about 48 hours after every session, and then returns to his bad habits. I have also noticed that he only ever goes to older, female therapists, and that he loves for them to feel sorry for him and mother him.

I do like/love some things about him. He can be caring and supportive at times, he makes me smile and laugh a lot of the time, and I do believe he loves me. But I have also recently started to resent him a little. I resent that he seems to have no real consequences for any of actions. He can lay there all day, gaming, eating rubbish, and avoiding any kind of social contact. I have to work, walk the dogs, drive us everywhere etc. I feel more like his support worker than his partner. In recent months, I have noticed my mental health and my self care declining massively. I stay in all the time with him, rarely see any friends, and don’t cook much or clean anymore. My life has become oddly comfortable, yet very uncomfortable at the same time. But we’ve been together so long that it feels like he is part of me. As if our lives only exist when together. We live together, have dogs together, and do pretty much everything together. I know this probably sounds pathetic, but I don’t know how to be alone anymore. I am so scared. And I feel like I would miss him very much. I care about him deeply.

Been there, done that, never again.

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

• We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors

• Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)

• ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.

• No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

• All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.

• What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[removed]

[removed]

You work on getting yourself out of that situation.

You are being unreasonable keeping this person in your life… WHY keep him around? You’ve been with him 7 years - where did you find him and what did he do before you took him in and supported him…???

He doesn’t work, he doesn’t drive, he doesn’t do anything for you other than add stress, make demands and refuse to offer any form of support (mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, etc.).

Leave while you can, build a life before you lose yourself to this mess…

There's nothing to be embarrassed about. If anyone should be embarrassed, it's your shitty ex.

You are not dating a man but a man child. Obviously he has issues but he's refusing to accept responsibility and work on his issues. Listen to your gut feeling. That's called reasoned thinking and not being unreasonable and overreacting. Don't stay in this relationship for the fear of being alone. You have invested a lot of time, effort and energy in this relationship. Now don't waste any more time in this because you have been with for 7 years. This is called SUNK COST FALLACY where people keeps on investing more time, effort and energy to something because they're already heavily invested in it.

You should be on your own for few months. Decide for yourself what do you want in a relationship and in a partner. This is very important phase unless you understand yourself you'd waste your precious years with another person.

The time has come to end it and move on in life.

Thank you! This makes a lot of sense to me. Much appreciated stranger.

Thanks so much. I think that's going to be hard. I have never given any indication to anyone that we have any problems. I've been sitting silently in this for a long time. I am embarrassed. I guess that being happy eventually is worth being embarrassed for a while

No worries. I've been in a similar situation so I get how easy it is to get sucked into it.

I wish you the best. Don't hesitate to reach out to your friends and family. I'd imagine they want you to be safe and happy.

Oh my God.

I have depression and anxiety. I see my therapist, I take medication, and I have hobbies that I enjoy that get me out of the house because I know it's good for me.

The fact that he doesn't even seem to be trying to manage the depression and anxiety, but rather he's choosing to embrace and even wallow in it... that is a huge red flag.

He is not willing to lift a finger to take care of himself, or contribute to the life the two of you are living together.

Do you actually like him? Is this relationship making your life better, or worse?

Until he is willing to take some concrete steps to get his life on track, nothing will change, and it will probably get worse.

You deserve so much better.

it's okay if he goes out but i'd be just a bit uncomfortable in such a situation that he's out partying and im here with dad

[removed]

[removed]