Engineer: (to God) the engineer... is engi-here

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Yeah. Navy is weird with officer ranks.

Me when last night oh wait gum works too

You're welcome.

Ouch!

r/foundthemobileuser

Knees weak mom’s spaghetti?

If your first thought is 'penis', you may need to consider applying lube or saliva beforehand. Going in dry is very chafing and would cause discomfort for both you and your partner.

Laundry & a washing machine?

Ooh, he likes to get them all wound up, huh?

Roses are red, violets are blue, But Epstein didn't kill himself, it's true.

Marine Corps. Fighting smarter!

Why? Then i would have 2. Oh wait, 2 lifes, that's like a resurrection...

My wife says I have two faults.Not listening to her and something else.

Are you an anti-dentite?

Let them eat their own poison.

‟You know,” said Arthur, ‟it‘s at times like this, when I‘m trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I would listened to what my mother told me when I was young.”

‟Why, what did she tell you?”

‟I do not know, I didn‘t listen.”

​

― Douglas Adams

What's grey and wrinkly and hangs out Grandpa's boxer shorts...? : : : : : Grandma!

All I wanna say is fuck you

Me after litterally one beer

OK, now I understand why Tucker Carlson is that way.

Sounds to me you just like nuts

Don't forget to tell that to Cedric.

You take the blue violet… the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red rose… you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.