Recent comments in /f/IAmA

Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izfij1q wrote

Thank you for your post.

I believe cheating can be both a choice and a mistake.

We definitely work both on remorse and guilt. This is very important in the healing process as they are very different.

I do believe affair fog is real and affair fog does not take away responsibility.

We definitely discuss the ripple affect of actions that include how loved one was hurt and betrayed.

I do often encourage disclosure of details to partner and that is up to each individual client. Not all situations are safe to do so.

We do work on disclosure to partner for those that want to take that step. I do discuss the importance to have full disclosure for those wanting to attempt to work on relationships.

I do work with clients in steps to rebuild trust with partner which do include being “open-books”. This is not a consequence and a way to attempt to show partner they are no longer keeping secrets. This would include access to things requiring passwords, email, phone, schedules, tracking app on phone and cutting all ties with affair partner and peers that encourage cheating.

It is a very delicate subject on whom to tell about the affair, especially family. If a couple wants to work on relationship, telling family or friends can be more harmful in the long run for many people.

I hope this information was helpful to you.

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izfeylm wrote

Hi Winston_everlast. Thank you for your question.

Exit Affair - Relationship is already over for person that is cheating and the act of cheating helps give a reason to leave.

One Night Stand Affair - a chance encounter in which most believe no one will ever find out believing no one will get hurt.

Revenge Affair - the other person cheated first and now they want to hurt them like they hurt.

Emotional Affair - when 2 people start off as friends with no intention to cheat. One usually has a “crush” on the other or is physically attracted. Communication becomes secretive and both begin to fantasize about the other without acting on it. Often times personal problems are discussed and flirting is taking place.

Digital Affair - Sexting, sending naked photos, phone sex. Many times no calls or conversations take place that are not focused on sexual acts.

Sexual Affair - Affair without romantic feelings where sexual encounters take place.

Serial Affair - Sexual Addiction

Distraction Affair - A physical affair when a person still loves partner and has affair because they can’t cope with a life event and want a distraction (death, new job, financial problems)

These are not all and I hope this helps

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gerbalinmybutthole t1_izfetn3 wrote

Op, do you believe that cheating is a mistake or a choice?

Do you help women understand the difference between guilt, and remorse?

Do you believe affair fog is real?

Do you explain to these women that they made their husband a second choice or they became a backup plan by having the affair?

Do you tell women that the other betrayed spouse if there is one should be notified by her the wayward?

Do you believe that a man dealing with a cheating wife should offer consequences to their actions if they want to reconcile? Examples would be, removal of all social media, giving the husband full access to usernames and passwords and phone at any time, tracking apps or devices, keylogger programs, removing friends who were supportive of the affair, letting family members know of the affair to build a support system, postnuptial agreement, etc.

I tend to tell men to automatically file for divorce, as they can stop the divorce process at anytime if they choose to reconcile. I also tell men to ask for a hall pass in some instances for reconciliation.

What are your thoughts on this?

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izfay3z wrote

Hi Thenewman978. Thank you for your question. Couples therapy can help several issues. I recommend working with a couples therapist whom is Gottman trained. I will add that both parties must be willing to work on relationship vs blaming and assuming only one person is the problem. Many couple seek out therapy during different parts of a relationship to help with difficult situations or to strengthen relationship.

Even though couples therapy can be beneficial, if one person does not want to be in relationship, it likely won’t help.

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garylosh t1_izfatvz wrote

Are you focusing on one subtype of ovarian cancer?

I had stage I testicular cancer this year. While detection and survival for primary testicular tumors is excellent, I’ve connected with people who had primary extragonadal germ cell tumors, which are very often detected at a late stage. I know that germ cell tumors represent a small minority of ovarian cancer cases, but I am curious whether your research could be applied to germ cell tumors.

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shrimptooth t1_izf5pzs wrote

This movie is a sequel to 2019's "The Binge." With that one, I wrote the script on spec for free and sent it around to a bunch of producers. And nobody cared for a very long time! Eventually this newer production company American High had optioned it and sent it to Hulu and they decided to make it. With the sequel I wrote out a couple ideas for what I thought it could be and they picked The Christmas one!

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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izf1u1m wrote

Absolutely. I would be happy to elaborate.

  1. for example, if a client wanted to work on the relationship after being unfaithful and their partner did not want to work on the relationship or both parties wanted to walk away from the relationship there is lots of grief and loss. Some of those things would include the loss of mutual friendships, the loss of connections with certain family members as family members take sides, the loss of their home if one has to move out, the loss of the ability to see their children regularly if they have children, the loss of having a consistent person in their life , the loss of confidence in decision making. These are just a few. If a person is able to work through the relationship because the other person is an agreement, there is still a loss of what the relationship once was. There is also morning of the loss of trust and respect that their partner had for them.

  2. In my practice, I do not tell my clients what to do. I do, however, deeply discuss many different ways one can view a situation to point out important things to consider.

It is true that many times an affair relationship is not one that will last or one that is the best for the client. I will also add that there are times where Affair Relationships do work out and last.

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rcc737 t1_izf19y9 wrote

Do you plan to branch out to other types of cancer? Pancreatic and kidney cancers are very difficult to detect and both. Lung, colorectal and pancreatic cancers were the biggest killers in 2020 in the USA.

How likely is it your research will be used elsewhere?

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shrimptooth t1_izf0bsc wrote

For me the most helpful thing I learned was to give every character “a thing”, some very specific trait. Whether they are very into board games, or just found out their 23 and me details and are trying out a bunch of new accents. This helps guide each character to feel unique and individual whereas a lot of scripts you can take the names off and you’d have no clue which person is talking because they are all similar. And in the final draft you might dial it back but it’s good during the writing process to have a guiding light for each character.

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Other_Exercise t1_izeyzrc wrote

Thank you for your answer. Could I be cheeky (this is a British idiom) and ask you to expand your answers slightly?

  1. Do you mean, grief and loss meaning that the woman feels grief over her actions? Or loss in the sense that their main relationship isn't working out? I'm afraid I don't quite understand the answer.
  2. Do you ever tell the client: "leave partner X and get with affair partner Y?" I am of the belief that relationships during/following abusive ones may generally be better, but usually are not sustainable. However, I'm far from expert!
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Claudia-Delgado-LCSW OP t1_izeyvrq wrote

Most often, both parties are in denial anything could happen when innocent flirting starts. Majority of women I work with are monogamous and do not believe cheating is ever right. In situations that you described, one person usually has a “crush” on the other person. As they spend more time together the red flag is secrecy and sharing stories of personal problems.

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